What Was I Thinking?

So, here I am.  I've been married almost 20 years, we have three teenage daughters who drive me nuts, and I'm back in therapy because I feel like I'm suffocating on a daily basis.  I ask myself, "what was I thinking?".  Did I really think that with my broken, abusive, hatred-filled past that I could actually become a contribution to society, a loving mother, wife, and friend to anyone in this world?  I have never learned how to be a mother.  My mother was certainly not a role model for motherhood, or being a wife, for that matter. 

My poor husband... he loves me dearly, and I feel like I let him down. 

We sent our eldest daughter away for school at 16 because we couldn't deal with the lies, the sneakiness, the deception.  It turned out that she was pregnant when we put her on a plane, and she ended up having an abortion a few weeks later.  Alone.  I wasn't even there to hold her hand through it.  I also wasn't there to see her graduate, or to help her on her first day of university.  I've abandoned her, or at least I feel like I've abandoned her.  We really don't have much of a relationship to this day, we're cordial, she comes to visit at the holidays, we text eachother now and again, but that's really where it stops. 

I've never been the "love and hugs" mom.  I never learned how to be.  My middle daughter is very much the physical one, loves hugs and gets angry if someone refuses to give her one.  She is also the most troubled.  She needs a whole set of blog posts for me to tell you about her, so I won't say much now.  We kicked her out of the house almost two weeks ago, and she's now living with my father.  Great, huh?

My youngest daughter is my soccer star.  We've seen what the lack of organized activities has done to the other two, and have forced her to stick it out with what she's good at.  She made a premiere tier II team this year, and she loves it.  Let's hope we've figured it out by now that we don't deal with the same crap as we did with the other two.

Once, when we were in family counselling, the therapist had me fill out a parenting profile questionnare.  One of the questions was, "If you could re-do your life over, would you choose to have children?".  I answered No.  Is that bad?  Does that make me a bad mother?  Is it wrong to admit that I am selfish and wish I had never given birth to these ungrateful, deceitful things that suck the life out of me on a daily basis? 

I feel like I'm suffocating every single day.